When we were

We all hope that someday our prince will come. I use that a lot since I love the classic Disney movies. But it’s all true. We hope that our prince will Pretty Woman us. No, I don’t mean pick us up on a street corner. I’m talking about at the end when he climbs up the stairwell and proclaims his love for her.

I’d settle with him coming to where I work and carrying me out for my break like that Navy movie. I think Richard Gere is in both.

I digress.

I messed up big time and I can only hope that Bam Bam is reading my posts.

I miss the phone calls. I miss talking to him. He might not believe it but it’s true. I would give anything to take back being a callous bitch.

In the end I want to just be loved. I probably could have had that.

Most people just want to be loved or feel wanted.

I might seem like I’m a horrible person but there are times where I’ve sat up on the phone with fellow veterans needing to vent. I help others because I like to see others smile. Everyone has been put on this planet for a purpose, and despite what others might think, I am here because I feel like I need to help others.

I offered Bam Bam a ticket home so he could take care of some family business. I offered because I wanted to. I could hear how upset he was and I wanted to make him feel better.

I’m just so lonely and maybe he’s right I will never be happy. I want to be. Very badly.

I am so angry and I don’t know why. I guess because I’m lonely and needing to find someone or wanting to find someone.

I don’t know how to get passed it. I’m just being honest with myself. I feel like I'm drowning sometimes. And I'm so lost. And when I look back, his phone calls helped keep me tethered to the ground.

Bam Bam is a tortured soul and I broke him further.

Right now I’m just somebody he used to know. If I could turn back time I would in a heartbeat.

I never wanted to make either men choose. I didn’t want to come between them. I just wanted to feel like I mattered because I don’t. And I deserve what ever I get. I deserve this unhappiness right now because I acted out instead of staying true to myself.

I think that happens a lot when we start talking to others. We feel like we have to mold ourselves to fit who we are talking to instead of just being ourselves.

And guys, what happened to normal conversation? On POF one time, this guy messaged me “Soon I’ll put it in your butt.” That was his opening line to me. Ummmm, no, by Felicia.

That’s not appropriate. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have texted with Bam Bam but we had been talking a month or so.

If you’re on a dating site don’t give write her a book about how you’re this or that. Just start out by saying hi and go from there. There is nothing wrong with just starting out with a hi.

My other advice is when you finally start talking to someone, don’t hang up angry. Communication is key and saying sorry doesn’t make you weak, it makes you human.

I wish Bam Bam was reading this because I want him to know that I miss him, I still care, and that I’m sorry.

And I meant it when I texted him that if he needed someone to talk to I would be there. If he wanted to meet up for a coffee or a drink, I would be happy to.

I’m sorry. No excuse for what I did.

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