It's so hard to say goodbye

I know it's been awhile. Been busy. Today is going to be heavy.

I’m not sure how to put all of this into words. I was talking to a guy. I looked forward to his phone calls or chat sessions. It helped he had a bike. I really thought it would have gone somewhere, I could feel it. Normally I’m better at stating my feelings but this is different.

Everything was going great until he called me a liar.

Let me back up. If you’re new to my blog, when a word is highlighted and in color, if you click it takes you to websites that have definitions or articles. People can learn things.

Okay, so after he called me a liar I stopped talking to him. I was talking to his friend. I know, dick move. I’m lonely.

Again, I should give some context here. I’m obsessed with motorcycle culture. Or was. I have tons of books on shelves, well I did.

I’m not going to name the club or give you actual names because even though they’ve both talked shit about me, I’m still going to show that I’m loyal in a way. I call the main guy Bam Bam and his friend Dude.

Not going to lie, when I’m scrolling through profiles I will message guys with a bike. Have you ever been on one? It’s so exhiliarating. Feels like freedom. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Every girl dreams about her wedding since age five, I’ve said this before. Even now I think about what mine would look like if I ever got married.

We all want love. Everyone does. It what we desire. Some of us yearn for it.

So I started talking to Bam Bam. And I just felt that it was meant to be. But in my mind I still felt like he never truly wanted to let me in. But I still felt like he was my soul mate. And then he called me a liar. I hung up and never called him back.

I was hurt.

I would send his friend memes every day or once in a while and started talking to him. I did say at one point I didn’t want Bam Bam to be mad. Dude’s response was that he was a grown man and could talk to who he wanted.

I’m not stupid, I knew what Dude wanted from me. He’s in an open relationship. I wasn’t going to be his old lady. I knew that. But he was nice. He took me on my first bike ride and oh boy, I need more.

He had rode up with another brother, Nautical. Again, not naming names. He told Bam Bam he was going for a ride and he drove up here. It was fun. I learned a lot about club life and both men were gentleman.

I talked to Bam Bam later that night and I told him the truth.

Okay, as I was talking to Dude over the course of a week, right before he rode up to visit, Bam Bam messaged me. Weird. Dude said he didn’t tell him anything, but I don’t know.

Anyways, Bam Bam was pissed at his friend. He said it should have been me and I reminded him that he called me a liar which didn’t sit pretty with me.

I had to ask him for an apology that he says was sincere, but if someone has to ask for an apology it’s not sincere.

He accused me of rifling through his homeboys like a common whore. I probably would have slept with Dude.

He told me I flirted with Nautical. Well shit, if asking about his family and telling him I’d babysit to let him and his girl have a night out, then I don’t know what real conversation is.

I hung up on him and kept to myself the rest of the night, didn’t text either of them until Bam Bam asked me if I had spoken to Dude since last night. I hadn’t spoken to either of them.

He then tells me that I’m toxic. That I need to be done.

I was done, he messaged me.

I know I’m sounding like I’m defending myself, but I’m not.

One thing he was right about was perception.

And even though he believed his friend over me, I agree that is who he should have sided with. The day I went for a bike ride with Dude, I left social media. Dude messaged me asking if I blocked him, no I didn’t. I just didn’t want to argue with Bam Bam and I didn’t want to come between them.

I understand that they’re family, I am not. I told Bam Bam this too.

But in his grief, his anger he didn’t want to hear exactly what I was saying.

I did something horrible and for that I’m sorry. I’m not toxic as you say. I told you both to choose each other. I’m a nobody.

I hurt him, I hurt myself. I can’t take back what I did as much as he can’t take back what he did. I was wrong to talk to his friend in anything other than a friendly capacity. To be honest, I'm not this person.

This is the shortened version of what happened.

Sometimes we have to take into account what the other might be feeling and I didn’t. And I’m sure he didn’t do that either.

Anger can take hold and nothing gets in. And grief is just as bad.

Take time to tell each other what you’re feeling, don’t try to let anger take hold.

If you do, you could lose a good thing.

And while both men hate me, if either called me up and needed to talk or vent or a shoulder to cry on I would listen. Despite what they think, I’m not toxic, just broken. I’m also one of the kindest if either would take time to get to actually know me. And I’m sure the same could be for Bam Bam.

Sometimes the only thing we can do is say sorry.

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