This is the abridged version of how I feel.
The relationship is with myself, and this song kind of fits. I feel like giving up a lot. Not in the sense that you think.
I've talked about depression and how lost I feel. It hasn't gotten better. We are our own worst critics and even though I feel at an all time low, others say I'm not.
When my mother passed away a supposed friend told me to get over it, this was two days afterwards. That friendship didn't last. Someone told me to get over my dog, that's it's just a dog. No, Savannah was family. And she holds a special place in my heart.
On top of all that, I feel fat and ugly. I guess I am since I get called sir at work. It gets to me the same way guys see me as an easy piece of ass because they think I have no self esteem and anything gets their dick hard. Yes, I've been told this before when I've said no.
I feel alone. I don't have any friends. Well, friends in the area. I work and go home. I won 't get into how I feel about my work because I need my job. But there are bullies there, too.
Most of my life I've been bullied in some way, we all have. Yes, even th popular girls have been bullied, I wasn't popular. But it still went on throughout my military career and still today. That's the biggest reason of teen suicide. Only we can stop it when we set good examples for others, teens and adults included.
I left social media for a few days, and I didn't want to go back. Why should I? Again, alone. I don't feel liked or that everything I say is wrong. I've offered help and been turned down because I'm a nobody. No one wants me to do anything, except leave.
And maybe this is all in my head, but my feelings are real. Your feelings are real and at least if you're feeling something, pain or hurt, you're still in the game.
Sometimes beautiful things come from horrible nights. Or lies or both. i'm probably lying to myself, like you lie to yourself. Maybe there is hope.
I don't know when that will happen for me. I just don't want to die alone, and I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Right now, I don't feel any of it.
And I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know there are veterans out there that struggle with finding a place they belong every day. The 22 a day is real. I have almost been a statistic myself.
I lean on the fact that I'm a veteran because I feel like I have nothing else to give. I've ran social media pages, been assistants, seen the world, made memes. And published books. But no one cares that I've done that. And maybe I shouldn't care, but I'd be lying. I don't know who I am.
This might seem stupid to some of you, but it's all too real in others lives. The one thing that people should be is kind, we don't know what struggle they are dealing with. What people like me are really good at is masking the symptoms. I put a smile on my face everyday, even though I feel like dying inside.
Don't feel sorry for me, I go through this a couple times a year, even though I feel it all the time. Just know that how you act is how someone reacts.
Well, we should be nice every day.