How well do you sleep?

They say that the average person should get about 7-8 hours of sleep, depending on age. I usually get about 3 on a good night. But that’s not what this is about.

This is me baring my soul and telling you about myself.

I was never popular in high school. I’m not popular now. Maybe it’s the resting bitch face. I keep myself closed off, afraid to ask for help. It seems that when I do, I’m just crying for attention. So to those people that say I’m crying for attention, how do you sleep at night?

I close myself off, afraid to get hurt. Most people do that. Most people I meet don’t like me. Again resting bitch face. I thought I found myself a “home” with an organization, but that didn’t pan out. I thought I found myself a “home” in another, but I cause problems. All of the people involved have complained about me, even if I’ve never talked to them. Again, how well do you sleep at night?

What they don’t know about me, is that even if I dislike a person I will still help out when they need it, lend an ear if they need to vent. It might not seem like I have a heart, but I do. I am human.

This is all in the past and I have moved on. But let’s put this into perspective. A guy that talks shit about me behind my back needed help. He needed to check on a family member that had been missing. I was ready to drive 8 hours to go check on said family member. And the thanks I get is for him to talk shit about me behind my back, as well as other numerous people.

My suggestion to you is not to be me. I have been told numerous times to kill myself. And at times, death sounds great. I’m still here, though. I have been told I’m worthless, a disgrace. I have felt like I am lower than dirt. And there are people out there that claim to help and yet because it doesn’t suit them, they don’t. Don’t be me. I will say there are people out there that care. I just find it hard to give in and talk to someone, I don’t want a repeat of last time. I am one person, but if I have to stay up every day of the week to talk to someone I will. It’s ok to feel helpless, but it gets better, I promise.

This is not a pity party. I have picked myself up. I have dusted off the hurt and proceeded to live my life. Don’t get me wrong, everyone wants to feel loved and wanted. I want that. But I’m not going to degrade myself to do it. I use this blog as releasing my frustration and hope that others will learn from it. I even wrote a book. Do I care that no one knows that? Nope. I write for me, I do my radio show for me. I do it because my experiences could reach someone. Those are the ways that I cope. And even though I only get 3 hours of sleep, I sleep just fine.

Sometimes we have to be told about ourselves. I have been told about myself numerous times, I finally started listening. I never use names in my blog. Those people know who they are. I would never call anyone out, it’s not my nature. I’m doing me, nobody is going to change the fact that at times I am broken. There’s a saying that it’s ok to be broken, it lets the light in. My experiences have shaped me. I found things that I love doing. You are someone special to others out there, remember that.

To those that have wronged me, I forgive you. To the ones that I have wronged, I’m sorry. To those that don’t know me, I am a military veteran, proud of it. I am a kind and caring person with a big heart, even if I don’t show that. I am ME!

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